Sunday, March 31, 2019

Apil Fool's 2019 - The Folly of Meaning and Nihilism


Welcome to my 14th annual April Fool’s observance! It continues to thrill and delight me that people show up to this, that folks participate by bringing their own paradoxes and listening to mine. I sometimes wonder, are you all just patronizing this old fool? Maybe you just want to save me from embarrassment, so you show up to my party to hear me speak. I would feel pretty foolish if no one came. Although, maybe that’s too charitable a reading of you all-- maybe you actually come because you want to embarrass me, and what better way to do that then show up and listen to me embarrass myself? Dang, now I feel foolish because you did come! Well, thanks a lot-- wait, am I saying that sarcastically?? Man, I don’t even know anymore.
            Oh well! Let’s do this.

            The title of my speech this year is a bit much, but I promise it’ll be worth the trip, if you can believe me. This year’s speech is: The Follies of Meaning and Nihilism. That’s right, you get double the foolishness this year! These twin topics-- meaning and nihilism-- are one way of framing the paradox that fueled my daily writing in 2018.
            I’m using the word “meaning” to represent a certain perspective on life: that life is something we should invest in. We should care! Life is better when we care, when we try, when we do our best, when we aim to explore and plan and optimize and love and commit, when we find meaning in life, when we make meaning in life, when we tell ourselves meaningful stories about ourselves and the world and life. Know what I mean? Like, “Hey all, let’s live meaningful lives because life can be so darn meaningful.” That’s the frame of meaning, and I hope you feel it when I say it. A meaningful life is possible and good to pursue. I could try to answer the question “What’s the meaning of meaning?” but I think it would really make this speech drag. Instead I’m just hoping that some part of you feels it when I say that “meaning” is a good and appropriate pursuit in life. It’s the part of you that loves meaning and wants life to be meaningful and feels good when life feels meaningful. Y’know?
            Now then, the perspective I’m calling “nihilism”-- I could also have called it meaninglessness, but I like how the word “nihilism” brings a lot of attitude into the talk. So, the various things I mean by nihilism-- basically, that all the stuff I said about meaning just now might be lovely but it’s also just bullshit, because life is bullshit. I’ll admit that my atheism makes this perspective easier to feel-- there’s no God, the Universe doesn’t know or care about us, all of our stories about meaning are just stories, there’s no ultimate point to anything, each of us just dies and disappears and gets forgotten, the sun will burn out and everything will be cold and dark, and so whatever we’re doing right now just cannot matter that much, because ultimately it’s all nothing and we’re all nothing.
I think the atheists in the room are already with me, so now lemme try to bum out the more religious folks in the room, with a little help from my biblical friends Kohelet and Job. Both of them might also tell you that life is bullshit because we die and are forgotten, because our safety and comfort and health are fragile and will ultimately desert us, and the fact that a God exists just adds to a sense of injustice in the world rather than saves us from it. Kohelet adds some additional pessimism, letting us know that society will always be unjust, because that’s what humans are like, especially when we gather in large numbers. Of course, in the era of this political administration and the catastrophe of our global stewardship, it’s not too hard to inspire you to feel pessimistic. You bummed yet?
So that’s the basic paradox! We should try to live meaningful lives, and also, life is bullshit. Each approach has its folly. If I try to live a meaningful life, eventually I get hit by the absurdity of it all, or at least with the all-consuming abyss of mortality and eternity. But if I live as if life is bullshit, if I just sink into my pessimism and cynicism, then what a waste, right? I’m a fool if I invest in life, and a fool if I don’t. A fool if I treat life as sacred, a fool if I don’t.

            I’m not going to explore this conceptually. Instead, I want to go straight to talking about what it has looked like, and what it could look like, to live with both of these opposing truths.
            How has this paradox played out in my life so far? I think I go through periods in which the mode of meaning dominates, and other periods in which the mode of nihilism dominates. These might be relatively long periods-- the peak of my religiosity was clearly in the mode of meaning, and my first depressive episode (back in 7th grade) was in the mode of nihilism. The periods can also be much shorter-- I can find that I care deeply about the meaning of my work on Monday but by Thursday or Friday I’d just rather do nothing. Or that right after my coffee at 8am, I’m ready to seize the day, but around 6pm I’d rather the day just leave me alone. If the news is good that day, then maybe life isn’t total bullshit; if the news is bad, well there ya go.
            Two brief examples about how meaning and nihilism can often get a bit mixed up in each other-- these are also ways of showing that what I’m really talking about here is how we frame, how we interpret, our experiences and decisions. The first example is about drugs and alcohol, and the second is about child-raising.
            Drugs and alcohol-- is taking them an act of meaning or nihilism? One could see it either way. At times, I’ve taken drugs or alcohol to facilitate feeling closer to life, closer to others, to make more connections between ideas, and so on-- in that regard, drug-taking is an act of pursuing meaning. Those actions might imply that life without these facilitators lacks meaning; or my actions could just as well imply that life is rife with meaning, and there’s nothing like a good sacrament for revealing the sacred. Right? Sometimes people feel great love for others while on drugs. That could be because they actually hate people but love drugs. Or they might realize on drugs how much they actually love people. So the act of taking a substance could reflect the spirit of meaning or in the spirit of nihilism.
            Moving on to children-- is making one in this day and age an act of meaning or nihilism? One could see it either way. Watch this-- I could choose to have a child because I’m investing in life, because I care about the future, because I want to pass on my values and hopes to the next generation. Or I could choose not have to child because I’m investing in life, and I don’t want my resources to get sucked up by a new life when there are already so many suffering people and institutions I could serve, in order to create a more secure future. In the mode of meaning, I could choose to have a child or not. Now watch this-- I could choose to have a child in a more cynical frame of mind, thinking who cares if it exponentially increases my carbon footprint and takes away time and energy I could have spent fighting for justice, because, hey, I’ll get mine, and we’re all gonna die anyhow. Or I could choose not to have a child because fuck it, that’s time and money I could spend traveling or on myself in some other way, and why care about the future if I’ll be dead in it anyhow. In the mode of nihilism, I could choose to have a child or not.

            Why am I doing this to you? What am I doing to you? I think I’m just trying to show that, at least in my head, life is meaningful and life is bullshit, and my actions keep expressing one or the other or both, and I just keep feeling so foolish about the whole thing. Foolish, but smug also, you can see that part too, right? Smug and glib and sort of right.
            Ok, how are we doing? So far I’ve hopefully demonstrated how I get jerked around by this paradox. I think I owe you some kind of wisdom about how to live this paradox well.

            We should pursue a meaningful life, and also life is bullshit. Can those be brought together?
            My first suggestion is the usual one when I’m dealing with paradox, which is that it’s best to seek rhythm between these modes, and in doing so, achieve some kind of balance. That looks like caring really hard, but then not being surprised by life’s absurdity (the Stoic approach?).. Or caring really hard, but also occasionally giving yourself a break from caring. It could look like staring death and loss and nothingness in the face, and despairing, and then giving yourself a break from that and just living life and enjoying hope. I could treat each mode as a blessing, by taking the attitude that it’s kinda nice to feel really motivated in the morning, and also a relief to care less about all of this later on in the day. Work and play, awake and asleep, solitude and intimacy, meaning and nihilism-- maybe these opposites work best as a pair, each works best when I take them in the right proportions, striking a good rhythm, a good balance.
            That’s my usual suggestion. I’d love to be more ambitious, and to offer a vision of harmony rather than rhythm, right, like some way of gracefully combining the two modes, to stand with one foot in meaning and one foot in nihilism. But I really don’t know how to do that-- in my experience, each just spoils the other. When I’m trying to make something of myself and of this life, a touch of nihilism brings despair and just kills my motivation. When I’m just letting go and not giving a shit, thoughts of meaning can provoke guilt or shame.
            So, do I have a better suggestion? Well, I have this, and this is really why I’m talking about this topic today and always-- the best thing you can do is make sure not to neglect one side of this paradox! And I’ll be honest, I’m saying that because I strongly prefer people who can appreciate and stand in both sides of this dilemma. If you’re too caught up in meaning or too caught up in nihilism, I tend to find you imbalanced and insufferable. I just feel like you’re either missing the point or missing the pointlessness.
            Yup. As always, my solution is the same-- telling you to hold both sides of the paradox. Just because the universe doesn’t care doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Just because you feel like your life is precious doesn’t mean the universe should. Life is meaningful, and life is bullshit; the deepest wisdom I have about life is to take it seriously and also it’s a big joke. Confused? Feeling foolish? Excellent. Thank you.