Welcome to my 14th
annual April Fool’s observance! It continues to thrill and delight me that
people show up to this, that folks participate by bringing their own paradoxes
and listening to mine. I sometimes wonder, are you all just patronizing this
old fool? Maybe you just want to save me from embarrassment, so you show up to
my party to hear me speak. I would feel pretty foolish if no one came.
Although, maybe that’s too charitable a reading of you all-- maybe you actually
come because you want to embarrass me, and what better way to do
that then show up and listen to me embarrass myself? Dang, now I feel foolish
because you did come! Well, thanks a lot-- wait, am I saying that
sarcastically?? Man, I don’t even know anymore.
Oh
well! Let’s do this.
The
title of my speech this year is a bit much, but I promise it’ll be worth the
trip, if you can believe me. This year’s speech is: The Follies of Meaning and
Nihilism. That’s right, you get double the foolishness this year! These twin
topics-- meaning and nihilism-- are one way of framing the paradox that fueled
my daily writing in 2018.
I’m
using the word “meaning” to represent a certain perspective on life: that life
is something we should invest in. We should care! Life is better when we care,
when we try, when we do our best, when we aim to explore and plan and optimize
and love and commit, when we find meaning in life, when we make meaning in
life, when we tell ourselves meaningful stories about ourselves and the world
and life. Know what I mean? Like, “Hey all, let’s live meaningful lives because
life can be so darn meaningful.” That’s the frame of meaning, and I hope you
feel it when I say it. A meaningful life is possible and good to pursue. I
could try to answer the question “What’s the meaning of meaning?” but I think
it would really make this speech drag. Instead I’m just hoping that some
part of you feels it when I say that “meaning” is a good and appropriate
pursuit in life. It’s the part of you that loves meaning and wants life to be
meaningful and feels good when life feels meaningful. Y’know?
Now
then, the perspective I’m calling “nihilism”-- I could also have called it
meaninglessness, but I like how the word “nihilism” brings a lot of attitude
into the talk. So, the various things I mean by nihilism-- basically, that all
the stuff I said about meaning just now might be lovely but it’s also just
bullshit, because life is bullshit. I’ll admit that my atheism makes this
perspective easier to feel-- there’s no God, the Universe doesn’t know or care
about us, all of our stories about meaning are just stories, there’s no
ultimate point to anything, each of us just dies and disappears and gets
forgotten, the sun will burn out and everything will be cold and dark, and so whatever
we’re doing right now just cannot matter that much, because ultimately
it’s all nothing and we’re all nothing.
I think the atheists in
the room are already with me, so now lemme try to bum out the more religious
folks in the room, with a little help from my biblical friends Kohelet and Job.
Both of them might also tell you that life is bullshit because we die
and are forgotten, because our safety and comfort and health are fragile and
will ultimately desert us, and the fact that a God exists just adds to a sense
of injustice in the world rather than saves us from it. Kohelet adds some
additional pessimism, letting us know that society will always be unjust,
because that’s what humans are like, especially when we gather in large
numbers. Of course, in the era of this political administration and the
catastrophe of our global stewardship, it’s not too hard to inspire you to feel
pessimistic. You bummed yet?
So that’s the basic
paradox! We should try to live meaningful lives, and also, life is bullshit. Each
approach has its folly. If I try to live a meaningful life, eventually I get
hit by the absurdity of it all, or at least with the all-consuming abyss of
mortality and eternity. But if I live as if life is bullshit, if I just sink
into my pessimism and cynicism, then what a waste, right? I’m a fool if I
invest in life, and a fool if I don’t. A fool if I treat life as sacred, a fool
if I don’t.
I’m
not going to explore this conceptually. Instead, I want to go straight to
talking about what it has looked like, and what it could look like, to live
with both of these opposing truths.
How
has this paradox played out in my life so far? I think I go through periods in
which the mode of meaning dominates, and other periods in which the mode of
nihilism dominates. These might be relatively long periods-- the peak of my
religiosity was clearly in the mode of meaning, and my first depressive episode
(back in 7th grade) was in the mode of nihilism. The periods can also be much
shorter-- I can find that I care deeply about the meaning of my work on Monday
but by Thursday or Friday I’d just rather do nothing. Or that right after my
coffee at 8am, I’m ready to seize the day, but around 6pm I’d rather the day
just leave me alone. If the news is good that day, then maybe life isn’t total
bullshit; if the news is bad, well there ya go.
Two
brief examples about how meaning and nihilism can often get a bit mixed up in
each other-- these are also ways of showing that what I’m really talking about
here is how we frame, how we interpret, our experiences and decisions. The
first example is about drugs and alcohol, and the second is about
child-raising.
Drugs
and alcohol-- is taking them an act of meaning or nihilism? One could see it
either way. At times, I’ve taken drugs or alcohol to facilitate feeling closer
to life, closer to others, to make more connections between ideas, and so on--
in that regard, drug-taking is an act of pursuing meaning. Those actions might
imply that life without these facilitators lacks meaning; or my actions could
just as well imply that life is rife with meaning, and there’s nothing like a
good sacrament for revealing the sacred. Right? Sometimes people feel great
love for others while on drugs. That could be because they actually hate people
but love drugs. Or they might realize on drugs how much they actually love
people. So the act of taking a substance could reflect the spirit of meaning or
in the spirit of nihilism.
Moving
on to children-- is making one in this day and age an act of meaning or
nihilism? One could see it either way. Watch this-- I could choose to have a
child because I’m investing in life, because I care about the future, because I
want to pass on my values and hopes to the next generation. Or I could choose
not have to child because I’m investing in life, and I don’t want my resources
to get sucked up by a new life when there are already so many suffering people
and institutions I could serve, in order to create a more secure future. In the
mode of meaning, I could choose to have a child or not. Now watch this-- I
could choose to have a child in a more cynical frame of mind, thinking who
cares if it exponentially increases my carbon footprint and takes away time and
energy I could have spent fighting for justice, because, hey, I’ll get mine,
and we’re all gonna die anyhow. Or I could choose not to have a child because
fuck it, that’s time and money I could spend traveling or on myself in some
other way, and why care about the future if I’ll be dead in it anyhow. In the
mode of nihilism, I could choose to have a child or not.
Why
am I doing this to you? What am I doing to you? I think I’m just trying to show
that, at least in my head, life is meaningful and life is bullshit, and my
actions keep expressing one or the other or both, and I just keep feeling so
foolish about the whole thing. Foolish, but smug also, you can see that part
too, right? Smug and glib and sort of right.
Ok,
how are we doing? So far I’ve hopefully demonstrated how I get jerked around by
this paradox. I think I owe you some kind of wisdom about how to live this
paradox well.
We
should pursue a meaningful life, and also life is bullshit. Can those be
brought together?
My
first suggestion is the usual one when I’m dealing with paradox, which is that
it’s best to seek rhythm between these modes, and in doing so, achieve some
kind of balance. That looks like caring really hard, but then not being
surprised by life’s absurdity (the Stoic approach?).. Or caring really hard,
but also occasionally giving yourself a break from caring. It could look like
staring death and loss and nothingness in the face, and despairing, and then
giving yourself a break from that and just living life and enjoying hope. I
could treat each mode as a blessing, by taking the attitude that it’s kinda
nice to feel really motivated in the morning, and also a relief to care less
about all of this later on in the day. Work and play, awake and asleep,
solitude and intimacy, meaning and nihilism-- maybe these opposites work best as
a pair, each works best when I take them in the right proportions, striking
a good rhythm, a good balance.
That’s
my usual suggestion. I’d love to be more ambitious, and to offer a vision of
harmony rather than rhythm, right, like some way of gracefully combining the
two modes, to stand with one foot in meaning and one foot in nihilism. But I
really don’t know how to do that-- in my experience, each just spoils the
other. When I’m trying to make something of myself and of this life, a touch of
nihilism brings despair and just kills my motivation. When I’m just letting go
and not giving a shit, thoughts of meaning can provoke guilt or shame.
So,
do I have a better suggestion? Well, I have this, and this is really why I’m
talking about this topic today and always-- the best thing you can do is make
sure not to neglect one side of this paradox! And I’ll be honest, I’m saying
that because I strongly prefer people who can appreciate and stand in both
sides of this dilemma. If you’re too caught up in meaning or too caught up in
nihilism, I tend to find you imbalanced and insufferable. I just feel like
you’re either missing the point or missing the pointlessness.
Yup.
As always, my solution is the same-- telling you to hold both sides of the
paradox. Just because the universe doesn’t care doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.
Just because you feel like your life is precious doesn’t mean the universe
should. Life is meaningful, and life is bullshit; the deepest wisdom I have
about life is to take it seriously and also it’s a big joke. Confused? Feeling
foolish? Excellent. Thank you.
